If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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