She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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