I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
