In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
