Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Randomize
