please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
