you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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