I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
