I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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