someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
