I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
