I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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