I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
