He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
