"it" just moved
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
