i was born a porn star she said
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Vodka?
Forever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
