I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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