I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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