Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
