she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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