Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
