my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
