he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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