I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
