I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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