There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
