After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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