if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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