every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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