I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
