i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
