why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You need a sexual gate keeper
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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