moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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