I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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