I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just blew my weed a kiss
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
