her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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