Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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