dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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