He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
