How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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