My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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