Acid is not a monday night drug
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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