Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
