Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
