just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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