remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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