I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
