yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
