i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
