tonight lets celebrate not being married
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
