so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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