No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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