i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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