im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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