Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
