the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
