I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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