I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
