We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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