He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
